pieces of my puzzle.

i just miss the heck out of these boys and just remembered that as I came across this picture. and i needed you to see it, just to glimpse how great they are. i like boys so much!



this one's a jem. such a jem. and she's even my friend that I'll get to see soon but have missed in unique ways this summer. this one inspires me to pick up the beauty of this world that is all around. she's knows how to run after it and to love others in that persuit. and never stop.




this one, emma huntington, i think deserves more credit. she's incredible and this photo is just a small bit of that evidence. she knows how to laugh and possesses the incredible gift of giving others the joy of laughter. but not only that, she can look through a lens and see so much more than just what is actually there. she's able to create... beautiful girl. emma, i'll see you in just two small weeks!


okay world, i have a little proposal or better yet, a request. figure out who you love and just why it is that you do. and then find a way to tell them but not just them... tell others too. and celebrate them in this way. get going!

a blessing. disguised.

Sometimes blessings aren't always obvious. A couple weeks ago I had planned a weekend trip to South Carolina to visit a dear family and to enjoy a road trip on my own... But then my car started smoking and the radiator broke. The head gaskets decided to do the same. I wasn't able to take it to Sumter anymore and was forced to rent a 2008 Nissan and it was really amazing. But expensive. I was bummed that I had to pay for it but it was good to have this car on such a long trip and I enjoyed the rare treat of being so pampered. I'm still a sucker for old cars and their personalities... this poor black Nissan was void of any personality or voice but it got from point A to point B beautifully and took me along with it. Here it is parked next to Michael's car and I must say, his knows so much better who it is that my little black one. I felt sorry for mine... it really didn't have a story like his and that's the kind of car I want... one that knows it's story and can tell it to others. But it was a blessing even amidst it's personality crisis and all the stress the came with the days before.

I woke up this morning with a pain I remembered falling asleep to. My forehead and eyes were throbbing. I turned over in frustrated agony, flipped open my phone and pulled my eyes away. The light hurt my head. It was 7am. Why was I already awake? The pain wouldn't let me sleep. My head kept throbbing and my stomach churned. The light poured through the windows and felt like daggers headed straight for my weak temples. I tried to burry my head in the pillow but it felt like it was being crushed with rocks. After 30 minutes I finally mustered the energy to venture the two rooms away to the kitchen to get some ice. As I laid it on my head there were no moments of relief like ice usually had during these times. Even the ice stung with pain. The blankets hurt. My pillow was too hard. my clothes made me feel closterphobic. I was freezing and then I was sweating. The stabs in my head wouldn't stop and were only beginning to drive my body crazy. I fought against the tears because they would only quicken the throbbing. I started breathing in and out intentionally to help my body relax. I tried to be still amidst the war that waged inside me. But it was hard and I was exhausted already. I tried not to despair...a migrane was starting.

I was scared because it was the morning and normally I get these in the late afternoon so I can count the hours before dark and will hopefully be able to fall sleep and the night will endure my pain instead of me. But the morning comes with light and migranes don't sleep with light. I didn't know how long I'd have to endure myself. Kiko ran off to get me medicine around 9am. When she returned I had to eat something before I swallowed the pills and during the next two hours I would try intensely to keep the food down so the pills could begin to work. I prayed... and prayed. At times likes these I wondered why I've ever been sad or stressed, annoyed and depressed because at those times I had my health and now it was so out of reach that I wanted to go home to Jesus.

Finally after 6 hours of war my body began to pick up the pieces. I laid still for an hour to make sure it had passed and then crept out of bed and greeted Kiko. It was raining outside and thanked God for the gentle light that met my eyes.

later that day as I was telling Kiko about my morning and the past mornings and nights that have been this way.. I shared with her the odd blessing that comes with its passing. Lowen understands me here and though I would not wish for another migrane, I feel this strange sense of gratitude for the reality of such pain because I may glimpse the other side; health. What a blessing it is. When the pain finally subsides, finally walks away and leaves me lying there, the happiness is worthy of tears. a new motivation stirs. a new day has begun. new opportunity are outside my bedroom door. Beauty is everywhere and I'm able to taste it suddenly with such a freshness and such an elementary gratitude that somehow I can thank the pain for.

sometimes blessings are disguised. sometimes they're really hard to see. but sometimes when we stop and lie there, and take the opportunity to ponder, we can feel them and we realize that really God had meant it for good. our good.

messages in splatter
It's my last week of GLAD camp. And I just got an email from Michael about his first week of Vacation Bible School in the Czech Republic. He's at the beginning and I'm at the end and the beginning is exactly what I needed to see. The excitement, the vision, the newness that's all so fresh in the start and begins to dwindle somewhere toward the middle and leaks into the end. But his excitement and fresh eyes have given me back something I was loosing... my gratitude and energy I started with. I am grateful for that email. I was telling my dear friend, Elizabeth, this morning on our way to work... "in some ways this last week is the most important because it's the freshest in their memory and most of what they'll remember." It is so important for me to be aware of their last memory and do my best to preserve what they have learned so far and not taint it with un-enthusiasm, frustration, and exhaustion. Only through the grace of Christ.

Yesterday after church Vincent and Kiko left for a week's vacation in West Virginia with the rest of the Howard Family. I was unable to go because of work and closing ceremonies at the end of this week with my kids. Though I long for my sisters, I know I need to be here right now and there is a peace that has come alongside my longing. If these kids don't have me now, at a point where I am so torn of where to be, of where I want to be, then it will break the pattern of consistency and trust that we have worked so hard to give them. I write this to convince myself even, that I made the right choice. I know I have, but sometimes the right choice doesn't leave everyone happy and it get's confusing. Chalice called me last week telling me she'd pay the 150$ in gas if I'd come and Kyrie called yesterday morning, a couple hours before leaving, begging me to please call my boss and just ask. ooohh.. Sometimes growing up is a pain.

When Kiko and Vincent left, my dear housemates, I put on my music and heated up the favored dish in the refrigerator, Lasagna. Kiko had made it just for me the other night because it's my favorite food and left me the couple squares that hadn't been eaten. I let Borus in and we palled around for a bit. I turned The Two Towers on a bit later because I've been having this desire to re-watch the beauty and depth of that film and I enjoyed it very much... and forgot how much I love aragorn, legalous, and that dwarf. Later, I took out my paints and went to the back porch with Borus. It had just rained so it was a muggy and damp but I kept going. Borus lay on the couch beside, staring and wagging his tail. I ripped open two grocery bags and opened the tops of 8 different chosen colors. I squirted their blobs on the paper and couldn't help but run for my camera and freeze that moment of perfectly round circles of color against brown paper. it was so pretty. I don't really know what I'm doing with paint but I like the idea of it...so i got my blank cards out and an old book. I tore out some pages, pasted them to the card, and started splattering different colors of paint over the cards. Taking my finger, I brushed it against the bristles and smacked it down. Pollock style. splat. splat again. splat on my face. splat on my ankle. splat on my collar bone. splat on my tank top. splat on the wall. shoot.

I realized pretty quickly this form of painting or more like, this form of having fun was a messy one. I went through three shirts before I surrendered and now, a day later my arms resting on this desk have different colors slashed across. Later that evening, after my fun projects had dried I took them to my room and laid them on my desk. I found different quotes I wanted to write on top and pieces of other things I wanted to adorn over the paint. As I was sitting there, looking at one particular card that I’d decided to splat all 8 colors on, a verse walked into my thoughts. My life right now is rigorous and I miss a few people who are very far away, though I feel His care and protection, I am still overwhelmed and full of longing... then this came.

"The disciples went and woke him, 'Lord, save us! We're going to drown!' He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."

On the card where every color was tangled into the other I began writing these words in-between the splattered strokes. "you of little faith, why are you so afraid. then he got up...and it was completely calm." All the color and all the interweaving reminded me of the storm and the overwhelming sense of things tangled in my life. And then I heard this verse and I saw the color in the splatter and how beautiful it was and though I couldn't untangle it myself or separate one color from the other, it had somehow turned into something beautiful. I don't how. But it did. and I heard God talking to me through it saying, "you of little faith, why are you so afraid? I will take care of you. I will make sense of it all. I will make it beautiful...just like this card. You just have to trust me and rediscover who I am."

I may not know how to paint very well but I do know that God uses all sorts of things to show you your weaknesses and reveal his beauty. and yesterday as I sat down on that front porch and began squeezing out thick colors onto brown paper, God was there and had a purpose higher and more profound then I. I wanted to make a card. He wanted to show me himself. And he did.

too tired

this is shunshine. not 'sun' but 'shun'. I met her last week when we took about 50 kids to an overnight camp a couple hours away. We were the counselors and there were all sorts of activities from 8am to 11pm. Shunshine was in my cabin, one of my 8, and at night we would have singing competitions with the cabin next door. When Shunshine got up one night and shyly took the hairbrush as her mike she counted herself off and started to sing. The room's chatter grew silent. We all stared and I had to wipe away my silent tears. Her voice was beautiful and I was moved beyond words. I encouraged her to work with Mr. Ward (our music leader) and the next day she began practicing with him and at the end of the week she performed in front of the camp with an original song and lyrics. One day you'll get to hear her, I'm sure.

..............................................................

i haven't been this tired in a long time. my feet are dragging and my little kids notice. I was at a camp all last week overnight and then left for a exceptionally restful weekend trip the day i got back. But my arms are still heavy as the swing by my sides and my stomach is void of appetite. I'm exhausted and praying for strength to end these last two weeks well. i have no energy to write... but i do have the dream of it. for now my writing has been put on hold for small talks with kiko on the porch, making cards at my desk, and trying to pull myself together for my next 9-5 day with my kids. my life outside of work is very low key right now. or trying to be.

please pray for me. up until last week I thought I'd been doing great and wasn't going to have one of those breakdowns they'd warned us about from exhaustion and the stress of the children and their lives. and then last week it hit me, somewhere between Raven's constant meloncholy demeanor, jeremiah's relentless disrespect, and ashley's tiresome threats. it will be okay, i know. i remember 2 Corinthians 12:9,

but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect weakness."

what good news this is.

i am still glad to be where I am, only scared that I will not have the strength to finish out strong... to finish out the same way I began and the same way these kids needed me as I was in the beginning. I long to. pray for me.

you can check my flickr. i posted some color.