oh how i love them...

merry christmas!

woke up with the same!

and didn't even plan it... funny morning.

thelegonecklace(!)


isn't it genius!?! My very own Papa came up with the idea and gave Michael and I one (wiht multiple lego pieces for different combinations) when we visited on Fall Break. I just think they're so brilliant and wonder why they haven't been thought of before. I love my daddy's mind and his ideas... so cleaver and sweet! If you want one (fun little stocking stuffer or xmas gift) let me know.. he's a got a little lego workshop going on in Cambridge.

Merry Christmas!

introducing...

cutie butt!!!

This is hopefully the newest addition in the Mr. and Mrs. Vincent Howard household... they found this disgustingly adorable creature roaming the streets of st. elmo about 3 days ago and no one has claimed her yet. We think she's caught a bit of a cold fending for herself in the cold streets cause her breathing and sniffing is hilariously loud and intrusive. But you can't help but fall in love with this bundle of fun within the first second you lay eyes on her. We hope you stay, cutie butt!

happPy fankSgivin!

we did the turkey trot this morning! (can you believe that, family?!)


Michael n' I completed 3 miles in 54 minutes... 5th and 6th to the last! woohoo!


and we went to get a tree last night...


at food lion!

i'm thankful for her.

and chalice. and braebrae. As I think about what it is that I'm thankful for this thank-filled season, my sisters come to mind. I won't be with them so maybe that's why I'm realizing all the more. I'm realizing how grateful I am for Chalice's passion, drive, and vision and how often she cheers and inspires me. For how often her love pushes me through my days. and Brae's creativity, spunk, and dynamic. Her pictures capture moments I attempt so tirelessly to paint with my words. Yet her images are complete, needing no words to brighten or liven them. And then there's kyrie. my roommate I don't think I'll ever stop missing. That girl that listens and comforts. A girl with curiosity and the courage to follow it... a girl that loves so well and I miss all the time.

but then I guess that's why God takes them away. all of them. one, two, three. it's just me. So I realize their beauty and then realize His... thankful to Him for them but not depending on their beauty to complete mine. I'm thankful for the opportunity to miss those I love because then I must go to him. Thank you, God, for my sisters and using their love and even distance, at times, to keep me close to you.

me and you, boo

last night Michael and I went to yellow deli... it's this 24 hours, 6 day a week deli/heaven place. We worked on our History and Philosophy John Dewey papers...He researched for his and I put the footnotes into mine while sipping refills of coffee with too much cream and eating poached eggs with banana bread. Oh! and we got a little distracted with the "photo booth" application on these lovely mac books! welcome to the good life.

i can't say these are the cutest pictures but it was going on 1am and we were both working on research papers which are due too soon and we tend to opt for awkward face pictures instead of cute. don't know why that is... we goofy, i guess. (they're for you, signe!)

oh i so love!

an ultimate presh picture, his legs are the best--


but I must give the credit to this person,
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaun/

the liz cain: my blessing

Liz is my roommate. Elizabeth Caroline Cain. We weren't roommates my first year or my second. We went in unknowingly and honestly, a bit nervous. All summer I'd hoped we would click. We talked a little and I prayed a lot. and guess what mom?! we do! we so, so do! Liz is the most wonderful blend of friend, confidant, sister (kyrie, i love you), just a good ol' pal, lunch buddy, chapel partner, go-on-a-quick errand together friend, and yes, even a mother. and sometimes a grandmother. She's full of funny comments, quirky habits, nurturing qualities, and knows how to NOT take herself seriously. I love it. She's artistic and neat but not particular or obsessive. she's goes with the flow. She wears crazy clothes and likes to scrunch her hair and has the most lovely taste in sunglasses. She's happy in the morning and likes to talk at night after the lights go out.

We started this lovely habit early on of going to bed at the same time and whichever alarm clock goes off first, we're both up. It gives us a steady routine and i like it because we're not just co-existing or making it work, we're totally pals, wondering where the other is and looking forward to 11pm when we'll break from the work, pack up our books, say goodnight to our dear boys, and walk back to room 326.




I like milk. she likes plants.

but now i'm starting to like plants and she, milk(!)

double the fun.

helen and tobi came to Covenant on the same weekend! it was one of those gold weekends... tobes and the hel-bird. two people very dear to my heart.

go to James Harrison's flickr to see more!

2 randoms

i could stare at this picture for a very long time and never quite wrap my mind around it...


and i miss these dear ones quite a bit these days... being so far away from any members of the sisterhood is harder than I anticipated.

my helen came to visit!

Helen came to visit our mountain this weekend! and I could write a million things but none would describe the joy. none would describe the perfect-ness of it. none would describe how everything seemed to fall into place again. and nothing would describe how sad it is that it's only a visit... she doesn't go to this school anymore. I know God is taking care and I know he has a plan and purpose in everything and I thank him for the gift of this weekend spent with helen, spent with conversation and understanding, with connection and honesty. It was so rich and the only thing missing was Kyrie.

blur of change

school starts in a couple days and i don't know if i'm ready but I think I'm getting excited. certain things make my little heart jump.... like rooming with Liz Cain and being able to participate in a 5th grade classroom this year. Like being on a mountain again with dear souls who I've learned to value even more with a summer away from each of them and studying education again after a summer of working intensely with the youth of chattanooga.

but then I lose my evenings with Kiko on the porch and running errands with Bets in the honda accord I had for the summer. i'll miss the consistent dinners Vincent would prepare and the quiet evenings in a house I could call my own. I'll miss the address of Beulah avenue and pulling in each evening, walking into my kitchen and out the back door to play with borus. I'll miss my work at New City and the community I fell in love with there. I'll miss these summer days that fell across me like cool rain drops filling me with such refreshment and the loveliest sense of freedom. So many talks and open window car rides with dear Chelsey...

intensity and sleepless nights are so close by and rigorous weekends with stressful evenings. I know school is a privilege but if I can just say it plainly....

it's just so hard.
I have to work very hard to get good grades and Kyrie, Helen, and Bethany have all gone to a different school... 3 very big people of influence and guidance in my life. Pray that God will provide and that I will trust him to do so and love others without reserve. I feel anger at these three being gone and wanting to push others away in response and I don't want to be this way.

there is a good change in my life... my bestest friend just came back from prague! and he's just the change I needed in my day to days.

pieces of my puzzle.

i just miss the heck out of these boys and just remembered that as I came across this picture. and i needed you to see it, just to glimpse how great they are. i like boys so much!



this one's a jem. such a jem. and she's even my friend that I'll get to see soon but have missed in unique ways this summer. this one inspires me to pick up the beauty of this world that is all around. she's knows how to run after it and to love others in that persuit. and never stop.




this one, emma huntington, i think deserves more credit. she's incredible and this photo is just a small bit of that evidence. she knows how to laugh and possesses the incredible gift of giving others the joy of laughter. but not only that, she can look through a lens and see so much more than just what is actually there. she's able to create... beautiful girl. emma, i'll see you in just two small weeks!


okay world, i have a little proposal or better yet, a request. figure out who you love and just why it is that you do. and then find a way to tell them but not just them... tell others too. and celebrate them in this way. get going!

a blessing. disguised.

Sometimes blessings aren't always obvious. A couple weeks ago I had planned a weekend trip to South Carolina to visit a dear family and to enjoy a road trip on my own... But then my car started smoking and the radiator broke. The head gaskets decided to do the same. I wasn't able to take it to Sumter anymore and was forced to rent a 2008 Nissan and it was really amazing. But expensive. I was bummed that I had to pay for it but it was good to have this car on such a long trip and I enjoyed the rare treat of being so pampered. I'm still a sucker for old cars and their personalities... this poor black Nissan was void of any personality or voice but it got from point A to point B beautifully and took me along with it. Here it is parked next to Michael's car and I must say, his knows so much better who it is that my little black one. I felt sorry for mine... it really didn't have a story like his and that's the kind of car I want... one that knows it's story and can tell it to others. But it was a blessing even amidst it's personality crisis and all the stress the came with the days before.

I woke up this morning with a pain I remembered falling asleep to. My forehead and eyes were throbbing. I turned over in frustrated agony, flipped open my phone and pulled my eyes away. The light hurt my head. It was 7am. Why was I already awake? The pain wouldn't let me sleep. My head kept throbbing and my stomach churned. The light poured through the windows and felt like daggers headed straight for my weak temples. I tried to burry my head in the pillow but it felt like it was being crushed with rocks. After 30 minutes I finally mustered the energy to venture the two rooms away to the kitchen to get some ice. As I laid it on my head there were no moments of relief like ice usually had during these times. Even the ice stung with pain. The blankets hurt. My pillow was too hard. my clothes made me feel closterphobic. I was freezing and then I was sweating. The stabs in my head wouldn't stop and were only beginning to drive my body crazy. I fought against the tears because they would only quicken the throbbing. I started breathing in and out intentionally to help my body relax. I tried to be still amidst the war that waged inside me. But it was hard and I was exhausted already. I tried not to despair...a migrane was starting.

I was scared because it was the morning and normally I get these in the late afternoon so I can count the hours before dark and will hopefully be able to fall sleep and the night will endure my pain instead of me. But the morning comes with light and migranes don't sleep with light. I didn't know how long I'd have to endure myself. Kiko ran off to get me medicine around 9am. When she returned I had to eat something before I swallowed the pills and during the next two hours I would try intensely to keep the food down so the pills could begin to work. I prayed... and prayed. At times likes these I wondered why I've ever been sad or stressed, annoyed and depressed because at those times I had my health and now it was so out of reach that I wanted to go home to Jesus.

Finally after 6 hours of war my body began to pick up the pieces. I laid still for an hour to make sure it had passed and then crept out of bed and greeted Kiko. It was raining outside and thanked God for the gentle light that met my eyes.

later that day as I was telling Kiko about my morning and the past mornings and nights that have been this way.. I shared with her the odd blessing that comes with its passing. Lowen understands me here and though I would not wish for another migrane, I feel this strange sense of gratitude for the reality of such pain because I may glimpse the other side; health. What a blessing it is. When the pain finally subsides, finally walks away and leaves me lying there, the happiness is worthy of tears. a new motivation stirs. a new day has begun. new opportunity are outside my bedroom door. Beauty is everywhere and I'm able to taste it suddenly with such a freshness and such an elementary gratitude that somehow I can thank the pain for.

sometimes blessings are disguised. sometimes they're really hard to see. but sometimes when we stop and lie there, and take the opportunity to ponder, we can feel them and we realize that really God had meant it for good. our good.

messages in splatter
It's my last week of GLAD camp. And I just got an email from Michael about his first week of Vacation Bible School in the Czech Republic. He's at the beginning and I'm at the end and the beginning is exactly what I needed to see. The excitement, the vision, the newness that's all so fresh in the start and begins to dwindle somewhere toward the middle and leaks into the end. But his excitement and fresh eyes have given me back something I was loosing... my gratitude and energy I started with. I am grateful for that email. I was telling my dear friend, Elizabeth, this morning on our way to work... "in some ways this last week is the most important because it's the freshest in their memory and most of what they'll remember." It is so important for me to be aware of their last memory and do my best to preserve what they have learned so far and not taint it with un-enthusiasm, frustration, and exhaustion. Only through the grace of Christ.

Yesterday after church Vincent and Kiko left for a week's vacation in West Virginia with the rest of the Howard Family. I was unable to go because of work and closing ceremonies at the end of this week with my kids. Though I long for my sisters, I know I need to be here right now and there is a peace that has come alongside my longing. If these kids don't have me now, at a point where I am so torn of where to be, of where I want to be, then it will break the pattern of consistency and trust that we have worked so hard to give them. I write this to convince myself even, that I made the right choice. I know I have, but sometimes the right choice doesn't leave everyone happy and it get's confusing. Chalice called me last week telling me she'd pay the 150$ in gas if I'd come and Kyrie called yesterday morning, a couple hours before leaving, begging me to please call my boss and just ask. ooohh.. Sometimes growing up is a pain.

When Kiko and Vincent left, my dear housemates, I put on my music and heated up the favored dish in the refrigerator, Lasagna. Kiko had made it just for me the other night because it's my favorite food and left me the couple squares that hadn't been eaten. I let Borus in and we palled around for a bit. I turned The Two Towers on a bit later because I've been having this desire to re-watch the beauty and depth of that film and I enjoyed it very much... and forgot how much I love aragorn, legalous, and that dwarf. Later, I took out my paints and went to the back porch with Borus. It had just rained so it was a muggy and damp but I kept going. Borus lay on the couch beside, staring and wagging his tail. I ripped open two grocery bags and opened the tops of 8 different chosen colors. I squirted their blobs on the paper and couldn't help but run for my camera and freeze that moment of perfectly round circles of color against brown paper. it was so pretty. I don't really know what I'm doing with paint but I like the idea of it...so i got my blank cards out and an old book. I tore out some pages, pasted them to the card, and started splattering different colors of paint over the cards. Taking my finger, I brushed it against the bristles and smacked it down. Pollock style. splat. splat again. splat on my face. splat on my ankle. splat on my collar bone. splat on my tank top. splat on the wall. shoot.

I realized pretty quickly this form of painting or more like, this form of having fun was a messy one. I went through three shirts before I surrendered and now, a day later my arms resting on this desk have different colors slashed across. Later that evening, after my fun projects had dried I took them to my room and laid them on my desk. I found different quotes I wanted to write on top and pieces of other things I wanted to adorn over the paint. As I was sitting there, looking at one particular card that I’d decided to splat all 8 colors on, a verse walked into my thoughts. My life right now is rigorous and I miss a few people who are very far away, though I feel His care and protection, I am still overwhelmed and full of longing... then this came.

"The disciples went and woke him, 'Lord, save us! We're going to drown!' He replied, 'You of little faith, why are you so afraid?' Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm."

On the card where every color was tangled into the other I began writing these words in-between the splattered strokes. "you of little faith, why are you so afraid. then he got up...and it was completely calm." All the color and all the interweaving reminded me of the storm and the overwhelming sense of things tangled in my life. And then I heard this verse and I saw the color in the splatter and how beautiful it was and though I couldn't untangle it myself or separate one color from the other, it had somehow turned into something beautiful. I don't how. But it did. and I heard God talking to me through it saying, "you of little faith, why are you so afraid? I will take care of you. I will make sense of it all. I will make it beautiful...just like this card. You just have to trust me and rediscover who I am."

I may not know how to paint very well but I do know that God uses all sorts of things to show you your weaknesses and reveal his beauty. and yesterday as I sat down on that front porch and began squeezing out thick colors onto brown paper, God was there and had a purpose higher and more profound then I. I wanted to make a card. He wanted to show me himself. And he did.

too tired

this is shunshine. not 'sun' but 'shun'. I met her last week when we took about 50 kids to an overnight camp a couple hours away. We were the counselors and there were all sorts of activities from 8am to 11pm. Shunshine was in my cabin, one of my 8, and at night we would have singing competitions with the cabin next door. When Shunshine got up one night and shyly took the hairbrush as her mike she counted herself off and started to sing. The room's chatter grew silent. We all stared and I had to wipe away my silent tears. Her voice was beautiful and I was moved beyond words. I encouraged her to work with Mr. Ward (our music leader) and the next day she began practicing with him and at the end of the week she performed in front of the camp with an original song and lyrics. One day you'll get to hear her, I'm sure.

..............................................................

i haven't been this tired in a long time. my feet are dragging and my little kids notice. I was at a camp all last week overnight and then left for a exceptionally restful weekend trip the day i got back. But my arms are still heavy as the swing by my sides and my stomach is void of appetite. I'm exhausted and praying for strength to end these last two weeks well. i have no energy to write... but i do have the dream of it. for now my writing has been put on hold for small talks with kiko on the porch, making cards at my desk, and trying to pull myself together for my next 9-5 day with my kids. my life outside of work is very low key right now. or trying to be.

please pray for me. up until last week I thought I'd been doing great and wasn't going to have one of those breakdowns they'd warned us about from exhaustion and the stress of the children and their lives. and then last week it hit me, somewhere between Raven's constant meloncholy demeanor, jeremiah's relentless disrespect, and ashley's tiresome threats. it will be okay, i know. i remember 2 Corinthians 12:9,

but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect weakness."

what good news this is.

i am still glad to be where I am, only scared that I will not have the strength to finish out strong... to finish out the same way I began and the same way these kids needed me as I was in the beginning. I long to. pray for me.

you can check my flickr. i posted some color.

still standing.

this is me in front of my home. and i am going to write tonight. after I put dawson and hudd to beddy by. "Senna, you forgot the milk." I hear Hudd say for his dino cookies we just made. I must go.

i can't wait to start dancing on these keys.

Sienna the Second

found this on James Harrison's Flicker with the caption "Last train in NY and I could've sworn it was Sienna Howard." I took me by complete surprise when i saw it cause it looked exactly like me but I havn't seen James this summer and I defintely DON'T have that delicious purse. I almost looked behind me in my room, when I saw the picture, to see where that purse was. (ha)

wanted to share. cause it really is crazy how we resemble.

the two-way street

The z-score equals x minus the mean divided by the standard deviation. Don't forget to convert it to the area percentage and subtract it by .50. Make your bell curve, fill in the difference and then convert it to a a percentage again.

I think that was it. These words were scrambling through my fragile mind this morning as I waited at the bus stop and later walking briskly through the math lab to check out a graphing calculator. It was a morning that concepts were becoming friends and allowed me the 8 hours rest I needed last night. They didn't scare... only in this strange way but most happy way... excited me. I'm learning the language. This math language or at least I think I am. The score of my test will bare witness tomorrow morning. I'll wait patiently while sitting outside on this sunny Chattanoogan day at Panera, sipping my cold water and waiting for the bus to take me to my oh so precious job.

I didn't think I'd get it. I wasn't supposed to.

I had applied early February and then remembered I had to take a math course during my summer. my application was already in process though so I called New City, the internship I had applied for, and they said they'd see what they could do but the class would interupt the middle of my day and since I'd be working with inner city kids, the middle of their's as well. That was the last thing the kids needed. They needed consistency and they need stable and devoted people in their lives. If I came and went throughout their days it would only contribute to the instability of their lives at home.

I understood. I wanted people in their lives that could do what it didn't look like I'd be ale to. I was sad but started applying for service jobs around Chattanooga for the summer. It was long, tiresome, and humbling to let go of the internship and talk to managers of greenlife, hair go-go and more. I respect these people and I saw the lure in these jobs as well. even wanted one that I'd found. But I couldn't get the kids out of my mind. I wanted to learn, engage, be stretched to a capacity that would not only begin to understand their lives but in some distant dream be someone they'd remember and just possibly learn something from too. I wanted this two-way street.

So I started praying. I told these things to God and asked him if he'd please make a way but if not, then give me peace in something else and provide the interns for New City with a similar longing to be alongside these children and the issues in their lives.

Then I got an interview.

They knew my hours were complicated but they wanted to know more. At this point I was pretty settled on doing something different this summer. I needed to take this math class and I had no other choice but to place that first in my priorities. The kids had to come second. It was the sad reality. During the interview though my longing reopened and their questions spilled endless avenues in me of a sincere desire to be a part of New City Fellowship and their outreach to the inner city kids of Chattanooga. I started remembering Mercyships and the Children's Program I'd worked with in Cambridge. Ministry was back in the front lines of my mind and after being asked New City's questions and listening to my answers so quickly slip out, every other job I'd been looking at, fell into a distant and faraway 2nd. I remember calling Michael with this passion reopened adn just asking him to pray.

"I want this job so bad and I just realized it again. Please pray."

3 days later I got a letter of acceptance. it was in the middle of exams and a whirlwind of planning, packing, and moving to Vincent and Kiko's house in St. Elmo for the summer. The acceptance seemed to land in the middle of it all with this unexplainable peace and wave of disbelief. I stopped. Everything loud around me grew quiet and still and that feeling of utter joy and hope came over me and all I could hear was something very pretty. I knew my prayers had been answered and I knew I had just been accepted into one of the most challenging summers yet. But I took it. With fear but without reservation.

Somehow they had worked it out for me to come in at 12, after my class, and be there everyday for the kids 2nd half of the day and then work after care for the 6-10 kids until the evening. After this week when my class ends, I'll start coming in at 10 and accompaning teh reading and community classes I already teach I'll get to go with them to their rap and step classes they have in the morning and we'll learn together.

I tell people honestly, I always have, when I'm asked how I like my job and it's not often an "I love it." but this summer and right now that's my honest answer.

I come home exhausted, lugging my timbuk2 bag behind me and looking nothing like I did when I left 7am that morning. I can't seem to get through to devin and andrew, to kathlindria and Amador. Genesis tries me everyday with her strong will and center of attention disposition. Darryl's sad and quiet, and way over-emotional for his age and I'm slowely (very slowely) earning his trust. Destiny is cruel to Christine without end and has a stubborn side that is looking unbreakable. My voice is fading adn my throat hurts within a hour of being there. I'm know I'm only going to get more tired.

But at the end of the day and during, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be and I treasure it. Kids arn't easy. They test everything. Trust is one of the hardest things to earn. Understanding on every side, this two-way street, is a long and sometimes endless road. It's all consuming.

And I'm so grateful that God has given me just enough energy for each passing day. The bus is here. The kids are waiting. I must go.

~dear chelsey and me with her new volkswagon!~

michael kendall is amazing and will kendall runs an extreamly close 2nd.

My days are fresh finally. I know it's only been a month but it's been one brand new with people, buses, routes, bus drivers and so much figuring out. I am exhausted, grateful, and ready for a change. The clock has been ticking and nearing closer and closer to that point of no more.

My much needed change pulled into the parking lot, where I work, friday afternoon around 5pm. He was darker from the sun, wearing a hot v-neck tshirt splashed in pink, yellow, and purple (urban outfitters!) and a flashy new pair of ran bans. it was June 6th - a pretty friday. a much awaited friday. a happy friday. excited friday. a friday where all those words meant exactly what they're supposed to. it was the friday all fridays try to be and all fridays should be. it was my fresh friday.

Finally they were here. That car and that boy.

It was a joint effort between will and michael. Will's in Rwanda and Michael's on his way to Prague... so Will gave the permission and the keys and Michael made the detour and drove to me.

I was sapposed to have Michael's car when he went to Prague but it's needed a nap for a long time so will said I could have his. I am so humbled and so grateful to be back in a car...driving with my windows down and my foot to the pedal, stopping at whatever quick stop I need to and meeting jaime and chelsey where they are. And now i want you to know 3 things. First, that driving is a priveledge and is a beautiful thing to be treasured, adored, and discovered. Take a deep breath as you pass the blue house with yellow shutters and those gas stations with scary prices, take a grateful breath as you breeze pass the dear couple selling vegetables, the broken stop sign and the assuming yellow lights. notice the man taking out his trash and appriciate the beautiful Mexican resturants. and turn up your music. don't waste it by worrying and rushing.

second, know that will kendall is a dear and that his casual way of sharing and taking care of people has been an immeasurable example to me and one that though has humbled me... it has ministered and comforted me in a most extroidinary way. he may see it as a small thing but it has so pushed me to want to be this way with people that I know and care about. to take care of them. to give to them. to go out of my way and make myself uncomfortable in order that they be ok. it's a beautiful way to live... because it's what we were made for. to serve and to follow the example of our savior. he saved us and we must heed that action of giving.

and this last little thing is for only one dear friend of mine...

Margaret Drew, you are one very lucky girl.

that car and that boy.

note:
his hot shirt.
those new ray bans.
the "H" on the steering wheel that says I have a honda!
the piece of glass and rock around my neck that michael made me.

my sunshines.

(there's an accidental heart on scott's knee!)

(that's coke)