still standing.

this is me in front of my home. and i am going to write tonight. after I put dawson and hudd to beddy by. "Senna, you forgot the milk." I hear Hudd say for his dino cookies we just made. I must go.

i can't wait to start dancing on these keys.

Sienna the Second

found this on James Harrison's Flicker with the caption "Last train in NY and I could've sworn it was Sienna Howard." I took me by complete surprise when i saw it cause it looked exactly like me but I havn't seen James this summer and I defintely DON'T have that delicious purse. I almost looked behind me in my room, when I saw the picture, to see where that purse was. (ha)

wanted to share. cause it really is crazy how we resemble.

the two-way street

The z-score equals x minus the mean divided by the standard deviation. Don't forget to convert it to the area percentage and subtract it by .50. Make your bell curve, fill in the difference and then convert it to a a percentage again.

I think that was it. These words were scrambling through my fragile mind this morning as I waited at the bus stop and later walking briskly through the math lab to check out a graphing calculator. It was a morning that concepts were becoming friends and allowed me the 8 hours rest I needed last night. They didn't scare... only in this strange way but most happy way... excited me. I'm learning the language. This math language or at least I think I am. The score of my test will bare witness tomorrow morning. I'll wait patiently while sitting outside on this sunny Chattanoogan day at Panera, sipping my cold water and waiting for the bus to take me to my oh so precious job.

I didn't think I'd get it. I wasn't supposed to.

I had applied early February and then remembered I had to take a math course during my summer. my application was already in process though so I called New City, the internship I had applied for, and they said they'd see what they could do but the class would interupt the middle of my day and since I'd be working with inner city kids, the middle of their's as well. That was the last thing the kids needed. They needed consistency and they need stable and devoted people in their lives. If I came and went throughout their days it would only contribute to the instability of their lives at home.

I understood. I wanted people in their lives that could do what it didn't look like I'd be ale to. I was sad but started applying for service jobs around Chattanooga for the summer. It was long, tiresome, and humbling to let go of the internship and talk to managers of greenlife, hair go-go and more. I respect these people and I saw the lure in these jobs as well. even wanted one that I'd found. But I couldn't get the kids out of my mind. I wanted to learn, engage, be stretched to a capacity that would not only begin to understand their lives but in some distant dream be someone they'd remember and just possibly learn something from too. I wanted this two-way street.

So I started praying. I told these things to God and asked him if he'd please make a way but if not, then give me peace in something else and provide the interns for New City with a similar longing to be alongside these children and the issues in their lives.

Then I got an interview.

They knew my hours were complicated but they wanted to know more. At this point I was pretty settled on doing something different this summer. I needed to take this math class and I had no other choice but to place that first in my priorities. The kids had to come second. It was the sad reality. During the interview though my longing reopened and their questions spilled endless avenues in me of a sincere desire to be a part of New City Fellowship and their outreach to the inner city kids of Chattanooga. I started remembering Mercyships and the Children's Program I'd worked with in Cambridge. Ministry was back in the front lines of my mind and after being asked New City's questions and listening to my answers so quickly slip out, every other job I'd been looking at, fell into a distant and faraway 2nd. I remember calling Michael with this passion reopened adn just asking him to pray.

"I want this job so bad and I just realized it again. Please pray."

3 days later I got a letter of acceptance. it was in the middle of exams and a whirlwind of planning, packing, and moving to Vincent and Kiko's house in St. Elmo for the summer. The acceptance seemed to land in the middle of it all with this unexplainable peace and wave of disbelief. I stopped. Everything loud around me grew quiet and still and that feeling of utter joy and hope came over me and all I could hear was something very pretty. I knew my prayers had been answered and I knew I had just been accepted into one of the most challenging summers yet. But I took it. With fear but without reservation.

Somehow they had worked it out for me to come in at 12, after my class, and be there everyday for the kids 2nd half of the day and then work after care for the 6-10 kids until the evening. After this week when my class ends, I'll start coming in at 10 and accompaning teh reading and community classes I already teach I'll get to go with them to their rap and step classes they have in the morning and we'll learn together.

I tell people honestly, I always have, when I'm asked how I like my job and it's not often an "I love it." but this summer and right now that's my honest answer.

I come home exhausted, lugging my timbuk2 bag behind me and looking nothing like I did when I left 7am that morning. I can't seem to get through to devin and andrew, to kathlindria and Amador. Genesis tries me everyday with her strong will and center of attention disposition. Darryl's sad and quiet, and way over-emotional for his age and I'm slowely (very slowely) earning his trust. Destiny is cruel to Christine without end and has a stubborn side that is looking unbreakable. My voice is fading adn my throat hurts within a hour of being there. I'm know I'm only going to get more tired.

But at the end of the day and during, it's exactly where I'm supposed to be and I treasure it. Kids arn't easy. They test everything. Trust is one of the hardest things to earn. Understanding on every side, this two-way street, is a long and sometimes endless road. It's all consuming.

And I'm so grateful that God has given me just enough energy for each passing day. The bus is here. The kids are waiting. I must go.

~dear chelsey and me with her new volkswagon!~

michael kendall is amazing and will kendall runs an extreamly close 2nd.

My days are fresh finally. I know it's only been a month but it's been one brand new with people, buses, routes, bus drivers and so much figuring out. I am exhausted, grateful, and ready for a change. The clock has been ticking and nearing closer and closer to that point of no more.

My much needed change pulled into the parking lot, where I work, friday afternoon around 5pm. He was darker from the sun, wearing a hot v-neck tshirt splashed in pink, yellow, and purple (urban outfitters!) and a flashy new pair of ran bans. it was June 6th - a pretty friday. a much awaited friday. a happy friday. excited friday. a friday where all those words meant exactly what they're supposed to. it was the friday all fridays try to be and all fridays should be. it was my fresh friday.

Finally they were here. That car and that boy.

It was a joint effort between will and michael. Will's in Rwanda and Michael's on his way to Prague... so Will gave the permission and the keys and Michael made the detour and drove to me.

I was sapposed to have Michael's car when he went to Prague but it's needed a nap for a long time so will said I could have his. I am so humbled and so grateful to be back in a car...driving with my windows down and my foot to the pedal, stopping at whatever quick stop I need to and meeting jaime and chelsey where they are. And now i want you to know 3 things. First, that driving is a priveledge and is a beautiful thing to be treasured, adored, and discovered. Take a deep breath as you pass the blue house with yellow shutters and those gas stations with scary prices, take a grateful breath as you breeze pass the dear couple selling vegetables, the broken stop sign and the assuming yellow lights. notice the man taking out his trash and appriciate the beautiful Mexican resturants. and turn up your music. don't waste it by worrying and rushing.

second, know that will kendall is a dear and that his casual way of sharing and taking care of people has been an immeasurable example to me and one that though has humbled me... it has ministered and comforted me in a most extroidinary way. he may see it as a small thing but it has so pushed me to want to be this way with people that I know and care about. to take care of them. to give to them. to go out of my way and make myself uncomfortable in order that they be ok. it's a beautiful way to live... because it's what we were made for. to serve and to follow the example of our savior. he saved us and we must heed that action of giving.

and this last little thing is for only one dear friend of mine...

Margaret Drew, you are one very lucky girl.

that car and that boy.

note:
his hot shirt.
those new ray bans.
the "H" on the steering wheel that says I have a honda!
the piece of glass and rock around my neck that michael made me.

my sunshines.

(there's an accidental heart on scott's knee!)

(that's coke)